There is a common myth that says that when you want to make internal changes, you have to make external changes at first. Often people believe this kind of behavior is stupid. Considering all the horrible things I did to my hair, it is. But considering the catharsis I experienced while doing it, I suppose it’s not *that* stupid. I often compensate my issues with silly random behavior like painting my toenails or eating compulsively or shutting myself to people or dying my hair blond. Extremely blond.
I believe in that kind of change. I need to believe in that, because it means that even though the strength that I need to get back on track is remotely hidden in the deepest nooks and crannies of me, I can also find other secrets by exploring my outside.
I like to be honest to myself every once in a while and when I am, I am brutally honest. I know I’ve made mistakes and I’ve hurt a lot of people and there’s no one to blame in this situations but me, nevertheless in our occidental culture there’s this, sometimes, wonderful thing called “regret” and a very good pal of it called “forgiveness”.
I do regret a lot of things I did in the past and I’ve been letting that feeling swallow me like a big giant cumulus nimbus over my head. That feeling was so strong I began to feel like I was mad at everything. and everyone. I had a horrible feeling of repressed anger at every moment of every day. I never showed it to anyone (or at least I tried to), because I knew it was my cross to bear. However, there’s a moment in a young woman’s life when she just has to know when to say when.
This is me saying “when”.
Sountrack: My hair asking me for mercy.