I tend to forget this place actually exists. I remember when blogs where the coolest thing in town. When you couldn’t wait for someone to comment or to update their blog. I remember it well, but it seems incredible now, you know. I’ve had this blog for about 8 years and for most of the posts, I can’t link a memory to it. I thought (when I started writing) that this would be a way to keep some memories intact, but it wasn’t. I don’t know what I was thinking or doing or who I was with when I wrote most of these. It just goes to show how much can be lost without any particular reason but time. And time, my dears, is of the essence.
I’m 21 and about to graduate college. For the first time in my life I have absolutely no idea of what comes next. I’ve been postponing the corrections of my thesis because I know it’ll just get me closer to whatever it is that comes after college. And I know, I have to get a job and save money and travel and live, but the first step is so goddamn hard. I know I’ve been prepared enough, I know I have what it takes to face the world, but I can’t help thinking ‘what if I don’t like it?’, ‘what if it’s not what I planned?’ or worse, what if it is what I wanted, but all I ever wanted was wrong and I’ve been wanting the wrong things for the past few years.
I’m 21 and I know nothing about the world. I don’t know about philosophy, I don’t know about art and I care squat about politics. And I’ve always thought of myself as someone who could, you know, be someone different, think different and not succumb to this ‘average’ lifestyle.
I’m 21 and I was homeschooled. I was raised to be different and to think different. But know I’m not so sure that happened at all. I was raised to think I’m unique, but now I don’t know what is it that makes me stand out from the rest. I don’t know what I’ve got that makes me… well, me.
I’m 21 and I’ve had a great life. Great family, great friend and great moments, I’m not complaining at all. I’ve lived a happy life and I can’t be more grateful, but my great life and my great family and my great friends can’t stop this feeling of being lost most of the time. I’m a drifter, I’ve always been. I can’t seem to find an anchor anywhere and that’s good, I suppose. I can’t be tied down and that means I’m free and I can wander through life, but being a wanderer can also mean that I’m just lost. And that’s what I feel. Lost.
I’m 21 and I keep daydreaming for things that I know will never, ever happen, but it’s because reality is so boring and scary that… well, dreaming about a great life with someone who I think would be great for me just seems easier, lighter. It gives me a sense of direction, a sense of purpose. And that’s what I need.
I’m 21 and I haven’t found the purpose in my life. But, I’m 21 and I still have miles and miles to go and a gas full of tank. Or something like that.
I’m 21 and I know I can’t control most of the things that surround me. But I can make New Years Resolutions that I know I can control. And, I guess step by step I will find some purpose. It’ll hit me at some point.
Get a laureate thesis. Graduate. Get a job. Save money. Apply for scholarships (learn HOW TO WRITE scholarships) in Europe. Lose weight (15 pounds, minimum). Read 3 books in french. Go back to the Tayrona. Write at least one song. Make more dresses. Paint. Learn to use watercolors. Create something beautiful and be able to destroy it. Yoga. Learn how to drive and go roadtripping. Get drunk more often. Get out more often. Go to Mexico. Especially go to Mexico.
… I know I can. I know it.
Soundtrack: Meh, nowadays I can’t listen to music while I write.